loving

Loving myself is hard. Loving others are hard. It keeps getting harder, it doesn't get easier. All I want is to be happy and not always knocking myself down. I need to be better and loving myself but it is so hard when there are all these half naked girls running around and they look better than me and my boyfriend looks at them. He never tells me that I am pretty, cute, gorgeous or beautiful, he never says that I have a nice body or a beautiful body and when he says that he can't help it when he looks at other girls but he keeps looking. It is hard.

Blog evaluation conclusion thingy

So I kinda liked keeping a blog. It kept me fulfilling the commandment of keeping a journal haha. It was hard though to get on here all the time and write. Sometimes I don't think the world needs to know what I am thinking, but it does. The audience for this blog was me I guess. It was for me to see how I have changed or not changed. Looking back and reading through, this blog has made me see how important life is and how important time is.

I kinda liked this class haha. It was enlightening and interesting. I really liked doing the restaurant evaluation. Made me feel important haha. I really do like dinosaurs! I have always wanted to steal the Sinclair dinosaur and put it in my room haha.

Overall I really liked this blog and this class. Maybe I will keep going with this blog, eh we will see what happens.

Personal Narrative

Speakers Say What!

“Lisa, go over there and ask that man how much this saw costs,” my dad urged me as I stood in a corner of the brightly lit store, trying to blend in with the cream colored wall. As soon as I heard the words “ask that man,” my stomach tightened and my breath caught in my throat. What? Talk to a stranger? About something I know nothing about? What if he laughs at me and says I’m dumb? I can’t talk to people! These thoughts raced through my mind as I had a small panic attack. My eyes rolled wildly as I looked around for a sibling or my mother, seeing if they would do it for me. “Lisa!” Dad’s voice was getting louder. Finding no one to take my place, I hung my head ensuring that my long blond hair would cover my face from any stranger looking my way. My feet felt like a thousand pounds as I slowly trudged over to the checkout counter. “Um, excuse me sir,” my voice was tiny like a mouse’s. As soon as the man looked over at me, my face went bright red and I felt very small. “My dad is wondering how much that saw over there costs.” My words sounded scared and stupid. After the man told me the cost, I almost tripped over my feet to go tell dad how much the saw cost.

On our way home, dad turned to me and asked, “Are there any clubs at school that can get you to be more social and able to talk to people without freaking out?” I was stunned and a little hurt. So what if I don’t like talking to people, they are mean and judging! “Well there is a Speech and Debate club I guess that I can do.” “Good,” dad nodded his head and I went back to my little world in a book full of heroes and dragons and empty of real life people.

The next day after school I miserably walked myself to the door of a Mrs. Johnson. As I walked in the door, a sea of faces turned and stared me down as I let myself in. A round, eccentric looking women with spiky hair stopped in mid-sentence and addressed me, “Yes?” I stuttered and replied, “Uhh, I I I am here for Speech?” She nodded and told me to sit anywhere. For the next hour my mind was blown from all the information about talking in front of people, performing, debating, and competition. At the end of the very scary and of the very mind numbing experience, I got out of my seat like a zombie and before I could dash to the door, Mrs. Johnson called me to her desk. “Lisa, are you sure you want to do something like this? It will be hard and scary, especially if someone like you does not like speaking in front of people.” I took a step backward, this woman is crazy! She knew I don’t like talking in front of people! My face paled but somehow I swallowed and nodded my head. Mrs. Johnson smiled at me and I left her room as fast as I could walk. The next day after school, I dragged my feet to the room where I was going to be miserable for the rest of the school year. I opened the door and walked in to face my fate.

3 Months later

“Lisa? This is Bishop, I was wondering if you could do a talk this Sunday on the topic of fathers.” My hand trembled slightly but my voice was confident. “Yes Bishop, I would love to do a talk this Sunday.” My voice came out un-quivering and solid. Bishop thanked me and said goodbye. The phone went silent and that was my cue to hang up the phone. Smiling to myself, I got out a piece of paper and a black pen, stared at the wall for a few seconds then started writing about fathers and how mine pushed me.

“Now we will have a talk by LisaMarie Baugh on the topic of Fathers.” Bishop turned and smiled at me, then sat down in the plush red chair. Taking a deep breath I stood up slowly and fixed my brown dress. I walked to the pulpit and adjusted the microphone so that it was level with my mouth. An ear splitting sound rang throughout the chapel, but instead of cringing like a wall flower, I boldly smiled and rested my paper on the stand. My face stayed its normal color and did not rise to a blush as hundreds of eyes stared at me. My hands stayed calmly on the stand and my feet didn’t fidget. Lisa, use your voice! Don’t let the judges and people intimidate you! They are not there, do this for yourself. Make yourself a better speaker. Practice! Practice! Practice! Mrs. Johnson’s voice played over and over in my mind. I smiled and opened my mouth.

More fluff!

Alrighty I am almost done with these blogs, it is really hard coming up with things to say! I really like chapstick because I hate hate hate dry lips. It is so annoying to get scaly lips and then they crack and bleed. My boyfriend never uses chapstick and his lips never get dry, I hate him! hahaha.

Do you know what is horrible? When you have a lot to do but you cannot do it! Like group projects! I whine a lot I need to stop.

So I like snow but I hate it when it gets on my skin! hahaha it is cold and wet but I love playing in it. I love a warm house with cookies and hot chocolate and movies. It is cozy and warm.

I hate watching commercials about love because think of all the girls who don't have that love. Poor things, it is hard trying to find love. It is hard to express feelings when things can be messed up. I want true love, someone to love me, I will find it one day. And then I will like those commercials haha.

Anything again?

I'm tired of hurting people without meaning too, either I need to be more nice which I am not sure how, or they need to grow up. I don't know, life is hard when things have been so messed up. I am not sure what to do anymore to make things right. I think I messed up pretty bad, and I have no idea what to do.

Oh well I guess, but all you can do is move forward and be a good example. I am kind of excited to go home for Thanksgiving but not at the same time because I still have so much school work to finish!!! I just hope that all my groups and I can get our projects done and stuff. I wish my one teacher would have had the project due earlier that way I wouldn't have to stress about it now!

Oh well, school is school and teachers are teachers. There are good ones and bad ones, like in life, there will always be good things and bad things.

Anything?

So the end of the semester is coming up, in about 14 days!!!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! I still have so much to do. I have papers, and projects, and power points and posters! Not to mention I have to work during finals week, which is not fun! But I really like stuffed animals. They are cute and squishy and fun and squishy and soft!

Logan laughs at me because I like them so much. But I have decided, my husband is going to have to sleep in another bed because my stuffed animals and me, we get the bed to ourselves hahaha. I feel bad, I can never go to FHE because of my job, but my FHE family sent a care package full of M&Ms and fuzzy socks(which I love as much as stuffed animals), and post-its. Post-its are nice because they keep me on track.

I wish I didn't have to wear contacts or glasses. I want my eyes to get operated on then I can wake up in the morning and see! Yay! But sadly not until after I have kids because my eyesight might change while I am having children. Well that is all for now? Eh

Books for Eng 231

In the first book I read, Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting out of the Box by The Arbinger Institute, I kind of had to do a double take. While I was reading this book the concepts in it sounded very mormon-ish to me. I talked to the father of one of my friends and yes, the author who wrote this is a Latter-Day-Saint. But he wrote it in such a way that you wouldn’t have known the author was religious. It was a wakeup call for me to follow the Lord’s commandments and to treat others as I would want to be treated. Anyway, there is a quote from that book that I really enjoy because it captures what self-deception is and what leadership is not.

Self-deception is like this. It blinds us to the true causes of problems, and once we’re blind, all the ‘solutions’ we can think of will actually make matters worse. Whether at work or at home, self-deception obscures the truth about ourselves, corrupts our view of others and our circumstances, and inhibits our ability to make wise and helpful decisions. To the extent that we are self-deceived, both our happiness and our leadership are undermined at every turn (xii).

This book lists seven things that define self-deception. The first one is “An act contrary to what I feel I should do for another is called an act of ‘self-betrayal’” (105). The second one is “When I betray myself, I begin to see the world in a way that justifies my self-betrayal” (105). The third one talked about is “When I see the world in a self-justifying way, my view of reality becomes distorted” (105). The fourth one the authors mentions is “So---when I betray myself, I enter the box” (105). The fifth self-betrayal definition is “Over time, certain boxes become characteristics of me, and I carry them with me” (105). Sixth is “by being in the box, I provoke others to be in the box” (105). Finally the last one is “In the box, we incited mutual mistreatment and obtain mutual justification. We collude in giving each other reason to stay in the box” (105).

Leadership is not about making sure that you get the best out of life, it is about making sure that everyone gets the best out of life. But if we are self-deceived we cannot be the leaders that we are supposed to be. We can’t help each other achieve goals. Self-deception to me is a huge deal, as it is probably with almost the whole human population. When I read this book I was stuck in between a rock and a hard place. Growing up I have always tried to be nice to others and always made sure that they were taken care of. Sometimes I really didn’t mean it though. Well between the rock aka. my trying to be nice, and the hard place aka. my roommates; I was having a hard time being nice and meaning it. I was having a hard time listening to my roommates stories and actually caring. The author talks about getting out of the box which represents our self-deception and actually helping others genuinely. It is about seeing people as people who have needs and dreams. It is about seeing that people are taken care of. Sadly I was seeing people, especially my roommates, as objects and not as people. Reading this book kicked me out of the box, granted I still climb in every once in a while, but I try to stay out of the box.

This book renewed my vision of being a leader, someone who cares about others and helps them to understand their potential. If a leader is in the box, they cannot fully see the big picture to help others.

The second book I read was The Five Dysfunctions of a Team: A leadership Fable by Patrick Lencioni. This book solidified my definitions of leadership. In it, the book focuses on the dysfunctions which are: Absence of trust, fear of conflict, lack of commitment, avoidance of accountability, and inattention to results. In the book it says that the leader needs to show vulnerability first. Doing that shows members that their leader is trustworthy. For me, I don’t trust a lot of people with almost anything, but when it comes to leading people and working in teams, I trust others and allow them to trust me because it is needed. Lencioni states that, “…leaders demonstrate restraint when their people engage in conflict, and allow resolution to occur naturally… model behavior appropriate conflict behavior” (206). I am not afraid of conflict in teams, I address what is needed but I do it in a way that is nice and not cutting. If there is a goal that needs to be accomplished, I am going to make sure that everyone knows it. Leaders need to be pushing their team to commit and decide, because if they don’t, laziness occurs and nothing will get done, in the beginning. A leader shows his or her group the bigger picture when needed. Because of my childhood, I don’t get attached to something unless it needs passion. With my groups, I don’t fully get attached until all the commitments are set in place. Then I commit everything that I can. Lencioni says a leader, “must be willing to serve as the ultimate arbiter of discipline when the team itself fails” (215). I do admit that every once in a while, I don’t hold others or myself accountable. I justify why I didn’t, then I realized that I am just trying to find a way out. Leaders need their team to know that they expect their fellow men to be accountable. Lastly, “Team leaders must be selfless and objective, and reserve rewards and recognition for those who make real contributions to the achievement of group goals” (220). I can see how people cannot be attentive to results, but for me, it is a no brainer. The results are the results! The end goals!

I am mostly for these authors and their ways of being leaders and good team members. But to me, you cannot always be a good leader no matter what you do. There are always going to be people that hate you and will not listen to you and will not be a good team player. No matter how nice you are or how good of an example you are; you cannot be a good leader if no one is following you. Another thing that I am against is that I think the characteristics of leaders will change in different situations. Not all of these attributes will work in different situations. I am a very situational type believer and some of the situations I have been in; I have needed to be opposite of what these authors have stated.